Missionaries are often thought of as people who have extraordinary faith. I must admit that in the past I have been guilty of thinking this, however as our family draws closer to our target dates of going to Papua New Guinea I have learned that this is not true. The fact is that missionaries or at least this missionary struggles greatly with faith. Faith for even simple things. Like being able to go. Provision for the budget that we need. Or even just sanity to get through another day of two jobs, five kids, a wife, and a dog.
Now I must admit that I want to say that I have faith to believe that God will provide; that God will enable us to go to PNG, but truthfully as I examine my actions and the deepest resets of my heart I have to say I do not have faith to believe. In fact I then want to backup and say that I believe God can, but maybe it is not his will*. The truth of the matter; the heart of the matter is that I don't believe that God can. I doubt that God can. This is a hard realization, but I think in our culture it is easy to say we believe and even think we believe. Until it comes down to action. Until we actually step out and people call us crazy. Then the faith that we have becomes manifest into action. This is where God has been dealing with me.
The last three weeks or so God has placed multiple passages about faith in my path. Mark 9 has been one of those passages. Not the transfiguration of Jesus mind you. Nor really Jesus' healing of the boy. Instead Jesus' dealings with the boy's father. The father says in answer to Jesus' question (Mark 9:21&22), “From childhood. And it has often cast him into fire and into water, to destroy him. But if you can do anything, have compassion on us.” Notice the “if you can do anything”. The father did not believe that Jesus could. Perhaps because his disciples had failed. Perhaps because the father, as I am guilty of, doubts that God can. I don't know. All I know is how the Spirit has been using this conversation in my own walk. Jesus then answers “If you can! All things are possible for one who believes.” Now ripped out of context this could mean God is a wishing well, but in its context it is about God's glory. The transfiguration, disciples powerless to help this man and his son, Jesus healing the boy, and finally Jesus teaching the disciples about prayer. The father then answers “I believe, help my unbelief!”
The truth is I, like this father, do not even have the faith to believe. It is a gift of God's grace that I have faith at all. The truth gets worse that left up to my own human devices I would not trust God nor believe that he could save me, nor provide for the work that he has called us to do, or strengthen us to do it. It is he who deserves all of the glory and the praise. For I am incapable of even trusting him. God provides not only the needs that we have, the details of our journey, but the very faith that it takes for us to obey and go!
So you see this image of great faith is nothing for me to glory in for all the glory belongs to God. I am a doubtful creature who says, “I believe; help my unbelief!”